On slut shaming

There have been a few articles recently that looked into the alleged double standard of slut shaming vs stud admiration.
The gist of the argument against the notion of a double standard is that it is a lot harder, more of an achievement for a man to have sex with several women than it is for a girl to have sex with plenty of men.

I find this pretty obvious. I don’t think that men enjoy sex more than women. But I do think that their urge to have sex is greater. They are more willing than women to overcome obstacles*, invest resources**, risk dangers*** and make compromises**** to get some sex.

* Google “approach anxiety” for a simple but very common example of “obstacle”.
** Do you have another explanation why there are zillions of female prostitutes and only a few handful of male?
*** So many… How about: “Quick, hide in the closet or my husband will kill you”?
**** What Heartiste in his charming way calls “to dump a fuck” or what Donlak argues in his post on the topic.

Donlak argues simply with supply and demand, regarding the number of theoretically available partners.

I think that is only half the picture.

Consider this sentence: “I only want to have sex with someone I love”.

Did you have a gender in mind?

Female, right?

There are of course also some men who think like that. If I read him correctly, M3 tends in that direction. Most MGTOW probably are, with the twist that they no longer find any woman to be lovable.
But for women this is quite common. I’d wager that most of them find sex without a relationship hardly acceptable, while most men are more along the lines of “Yes, I’d love a relationship, but I’d take sex anytime, even without it.”

There is one missing piece in what I want to point out that I am least certain of, although I find it plausible enough: Women understand – at least subconsciously – that sex is an important strategical item in their efforts to bind a man in a relationship.
My uncertainty comes from the fact that I have met many girls and women in my life who felt entitled to great boyfriends and showed no endeavour to be sexy. That might be explained by feminist brainwashing but it may also be that the point itself is wrong.

But lets assume for the moment that it is so:

  • Men want sex urgently
  • Men are willing to seriously invest to get it
  • It is not easy for the average man to get sex
  • Women like sex but seriously prefer it inside a relationship
  • It is comparatively easy for women to get sex outside of relationships
  • Women understand that offering (regular) sex is an enticement to men to enter a relationship
  • At this point we have a simple market situation that is common to the explanation of most posts regarding slut shaming: If sluts give away sex for free, the enticement for men to enter relationships to get it sinks.

    The plausibility of this is underlined by the observation that slut shaming is mostly done by women. (There are studies into this)
    Men are less likely to scorn someone who gives what they like.

    The entire situation gets slightly more complicated though when you consider who is sleeping with who.

    Are all men getting the free sex? No, of course not. Only the most attractive men are the benefactors. Any number must be a wild guess but I’d reckon that perhaps 20% of men constitute the slut-target-group.
    If you had a fling, just for the physical lark, who would you do it with: the Maths-teacher or the Football-coach?

    Right. No discussion there.

    So: Women shame sluts. Men don’t (or do so far less). Women don’t shame studs. Men don’t either.

    Why don’t men look down on sluts?
    It is obvious why the 20% don’t: they directly benefit from their behavior.
    But what about the 80%? Shouldn’t the be pissed off? After all, they get it rubbed into their faces continuously that they are no appropriate partners for sex.

    I am quite sure that part of them is. But as long as blue pill magic gives them hope of the kind “Someone as loose as that might give me a chance if I convince her that I am worth it.”
    And you don’t kill a horse that you have hopes for.

    And why are studs not shamed by women the way that sluts are? What’s the psychology there?
    I don’t know, but I can guess.
    Most importantly: Those men are the attractive ones. There is a lot written about the effects of preselection.
    It is not easy to put shaming language on someone who gives you the tingles.

    Add to this the common belief of women, sold in a multitude of books and films, that the right woman will tame the stud. So the rationalisation is something like: “Yes, he is showing deplorable behavior, but wait when understands that I am the one, he will be different.”
    And if the woman in question does not believe that the stud in question would be a good mate, she looses nothing. There is no need to diminish him. On the contrary, let him get other women out of the market for the really good men.

    And why don’t men of the 80% group shame studs?
    If 20% of men didn’t sleep with 80% of women, surely there would be more sex for everyone, wouldn’t there?
    The usual explanation is ‘respect’ but that is far too noble for my taste to be the single reason.
    I consider a mixture of reasons:

    • The hope to get a woman as soon as she understands that a stud is not a good partner for her (also known as blue pill idiocy)
    • The fact that the 20% men are quite probably physically stronger and thus present a real danger if shamed
    • My impression that ‘shaming’ is a social tactic primarily employed by women. Men jsut aren’t as into it.
    • Respect, after all. Most men are able in all their envy to realize, that here is someone who is able to accomplish something they are not.
    • And, if you are into that, the possibly natural submissiveness of the Beta in front of an Alpha-male. At least in that one respect the stud is the 80percenter’s superiour.
    • Another kind of hope, spawned by the studs who do not look like Brad Pitt: “It can be done!”

    But the more I think about it the more I find that there is no double standard for a different reason: Both sluts and studs create ambivalent reactions.

    Stud about slut: “I like sex with her but I would never commit to her”
    Trad.woman abobut slut: “I respect that she is living the feminist dream, but I hate that slut”
    80%er about slut: “She is sooo unfair not to give sex to the deserving man”

    Slut about stud: “mmmh, hot, good for sex, but that’s it”
    Trad.woman about stud: “Deplorable, but what would I give to be the one.” or “Douchebag, but at least I don’t have to see that nerd behind him.”
    80%er about stud: “I would like to be like him. No, I wouldn’t. Yes, I would. No, I wouldn’t. Arrgh I don’t know what to believe anymore…”

    No one really likes them, at least not for their actions being discussed here. The dislike just takes different forms.

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